Backwards
by Aleia15
Summary: They have it backwards, this Ishida knows. RenjiIshida


**Backwards**

They have it backwards, this Ishida knows.

Normal relationships usually begin with an attraction, common interests, dates, hand holding, kisses--theirs began with pain and blood and tears and rejection and death.

The pleasure came later.

They cling to the pleasure and oblivion the other one has to offer. Two drowning men in a sea of sand, holding onto the only thing that keeps them sane.

Ishida offers his body willingly; grateful for the moments of peace this act gives him. Only when Renji is inside him is Ishida able to forget _her_ face, her smile when she embraced death to save the one she loved. It wasn't Ishida, and that makes it at least partly bearable. He can't even begin to imagine how Kurosaki feels.

They haven't spoken about it, but he knows is the same for Renji.

There is nothing left of the Abarai Renji he knew in Soul Society, the loud and brash shinigami that used to annoy him so much. The spark in his eyes died with his Taichou, and no amount of begging from Rukia can make him go back to Seiretei. He's not ready yet. Some part of Ishida is selfishly glad for that. He doesn't know what he'd do if he lost the only comfort he has left.

He knows their friends wonder why they are always together now, why they refuse to leave each other's company and spend most of the time closeted in Ishida's house. They wouldn't understand, so they don't explain.

"Uryuu," Renji's whisper reclaims his attention, taking him out of his musings and back to the present. The light in his eyes is a question and Ishida nods.

"Yes,"

_Yes, I want it now. I need it now. I was thinking too much again. _

Renji makes sure he doesn't think for a while, hands and mouth working together to make him aware of all the nerves in his body. A touch here, and kiss there and Ishida surrenders to the feeling, his mind finally blank except for the here and now.

Renji is a gentle and careful lover, listening for his sighs and moans while he maps his torso with lips and fingers, memorizing his sensitive points so he can go back again and again until Ishida is panting, his body arching up and trying to get more. He is also very patient, not hurrying up no matter how many times Ishida begs and complains and threatens; he just keeps moving down paying the same attention to his belly that he did to his chest, playing with his navel until Ishida thinks he is going to come on the spot.

He doesn't, though. At least not before Renji moves down and takes Ishida's cock in his mouth, swallowing him. Renji has had experience in this, that much is clear in the way he uses his tongue and relaxes his throat. The few times Ishida tried to do it for Renji were awkward and uncomfortable, but he doesn't seem to have any problem. He knows how to take Ishida to the brink of orgasm and pull him back again; pressure, heat, and that maddening suction making it impossible for him to do anything but writhe and beg.

"Renji, please--" he trails off with a moan when he feels the first finger probing, opening him.

In this Renji is as slow and careful as before, though Ishida knows he is approaching his limit. He takes his time preparing him, making sure he's stretched and relaxed enough to receive him without any discomfort. Sometimes Ishida wishes he would hurry up and just take him regardless of the pain, but he knows this is something Renji also needs, the reverence with which he treats Ishida's body meaning more than just the care for a lover.

Some day he will ask about it.

He is close to losing it when Renji finally enters him, fingers withdrawing to be replaced with his cock. He pushes in, just slightly, giving Ishida the time to adjust to the penetration and moving with excruciating slowness. The effort is clear in the way his face glistens with sweat and his muscles tense, and he releases a relieved sigh when Ishida signals for him to move.

Renji does, hands firmly on the mattress at both sides of Ishida's head, holding his weight while he picks up a pace that leaves Ishida breathless with the intensity and fierceness of the sensations coursing through his body. They lock gazes while they move, mouths open and pants filling the silence in the room in their race to get there, to reach that moment of perfect peace they are unable to find in any other way.

Ishida cries out and closes his eyes when the orgasm hits him, feeling Renji still moving inside him through the haze of pleasure. And then nothing, he opens his eyes to see him frozen, eyes squeezed tightly while he comes inside Ishida.

Renji bends down once he catches his breath again, still inside his body, and puts a soft kiss on his lips.

It's the first time he had done that, both of them agree that a kiss is something reserved to a lover, so it hasn't been an issue until then. But it feels right. For a moment the room is completely still, Ishida opens his mouth and returns the kiss, his arms grabbing Renji's shoulders and pulling him closer.

They kiss for what it feels like hours, just tasting each other and getting to know the shape and feel of their mouths and tongues, sighs and moans passing from throat to throat, from lips to lips.

When Renji finally moves Ishida feels the loss of the warmth and weight, but he doesn't complain. Instead he grabs his hand and laces their fingers together.

Renji looks at him and smiles, the first smile he has seen in his face since their return from Hueco Mundo.

"We should go somewhere, just the two of us," he says, his voice rough and sleepy.

"Yes, I think I like the idea."

Ishida closes his eyes and curls around Renji's body, feeling the heat and heartbeat and smiling.

Yes, they have it backwards. But they have it. And that is the important thing.

…


End file.
